Thanks to the Peacock streaming service swinging the deal at the last minute, the Eurovision Song Contest is available for watching here in the US.

The events all happen in the afternoon on US time, and since they’re not going to let me watch the show at work, I can only see the Grand Final – held on a Saturday – live. I’ve been to a couple of “watch parties” before, but there’s none that I’m aware of this year. So I get to watch it at home – and comment on the show as I watch!

This will NOT be a “live blog” – I don’t think I can type and post that quickly. But it will be my impressions in order of the entire show. There are a bunch of “professional snarkers” like the legendary Graham Norton out there who can and will do a better job at this than I ever could. I’m not a professional music critic / pop culture expert, so….

1. Cyprus / Elena Tsagrinou – “El Diablo”: I hope she’s wearing underwear. Sounds to me like Cyprus’ version of “WAP”.

2. Albania / Anxhela Peristeri – “Karma”: Continuing the “Red” theme…. And she’s wearing the outfit Cyprus left on the rack

3. Israel / Eden Alene – “Set Me Free”: BLUE! Hooray! Does she know she’s got a giant insect on her head? OK, let’s try to shatter something with that note. And if that one didn’t work, let’s try again.

4. Belgium / Hooverphonic – “The Wrong Place”: Meh. Do they really need that giant face?

5. Russia / Manizha – “Russian Woman”: OK – How many people are hiding under that outfit?

6. Malta / Destiny – “Je Me Casse”: Oh crap, more red. And now magenta…. CHARTREUSE! MY EYES!!

7. Portugal / The Black Mamba – “Love Is On My Side”: Well, they’ve run out of color, so they’ll go to black and white while they reload. The signer looks like a long-lost son of Leon Redbone.

8. Serbia / Hurricane -”Loco Loco”: They only had two complete dresses for the three of them, so they decided to rip them up and tape the pieces together.

9. United Kingdom / James Newman – “Embers”: (Puts on red-blue 3D glasses – nope, nothing) This one actually isn’t bad. But no one likes the UK, so it won’t win.

10. Greece / Stefania – “Last Dance”: OK, pretty nice…. INVISIBLE PEOPLE! AIIEEE!!!!

11. Switzerland / Gjon’s Tears – “Tout l’Univers”: Ahh, nap time….. Oops, spoke too soon. Why do I want to assemble those stage pieces into something?

12. Iceland / Da∂i Freyr og Gagnamagni∂ – “10 Years”: Goofy and silly looking, but that’s their choice. Would listen to them again.

13. Spain / Blas Cantó – “Voy A Querdarme”: Standard Eurovision power pop ballad.

14. Moldova / Natalia Gordienko – “SUGAR”: How many of you are wondering if she’ll do to one of those guys the thing she did in the music video? And now, we can look and check for any cavities from all that sugar….

15. Germany / Jendrik – “I Don’t Feel Hate”: The woman in the hand costume is too distracting. Sounds a LOT like “Faith” by George Michael. Pretty catchy, anyway.

16. Finland / Blind Channel – “Dark Side”: I suppose you have to have one metal / hard rock number.

17. Bulgaria / Victoria – “Growing Up is Getting Old”: Nap time again. She’s even wearing pajamas. I’m getting an “adrift on an ice floe” vibe here.

18. Lithuania / The Roop – “Discoteque”: This actually could win – so it probably won’t.

19. Ukraine / Go_A – “Shum”: And now, straight from the Pripyat Marshes….

20. France / Barbara Pravi – “Voilà”: France keeps missing the point of Eurovision. They send a top-notch chanteuse instead of a bland or goofy act.

21. Azerbaijan / Efendi – “Mata Hari”: “Just like Cleopatra” – You mean the song you had ready to go last year? Sure sounds like it.

22. Norway / TIX – “Fallen Angel”: Does he always wear that fur coat and glasses?

23. The Netherlands / Jeangu Macrooy – “Birth of a New Age”: Ah, this is different. I think I like it. Might actually vote for it, if I could.

24. Italy / Måneskin – “Zitti E Buoni”: I have no idea WHO or WHAT or WHY….. Use up all that red!

25. Sweden / Tusse – “Voices”: Another one from Sweden’s Eurovision Song Factory. As always, it’s a decent song but overproduced.

26. San Marino / Senhit – “Adrenalina”: Looks like they made this stage production using everything left over from all the other acts. By the way, supposedly it was a big coup getting Flo Rida to be a part of the act. I have no idea who he is…..

OK, now because I’m shallow…. The Artist / Performer I Would Most Like To Wake Up Next To! Oh come on, you were thinking the same thing…. Well, Senhit might bring Flo Rida with her. So she’s out. If Efendi will bring her backup dancers with her, that will be great. If not, Hurricane, because I get three-for-one.

While the voting is going on, I’m liking these “rooftop performances”. Wouldn’t mind seeing more of a few of the artists.

POINTS TIME!

12 points for San Marino (from Poland)! HOLY COW! It won’t last, though.

You want to stay on the “left side” (the top half) of the board. Switzerland is doing great so far.

What’s this? France doing well with the juries? Interesting…..

Will Norway and the UK get anything from the juries? Oh, there’s 2 points for Norway.

Looks like it’s going to come down to France and Switzerland…. Can Malta or Iceland sneak in there?

Another break in the action to talk with the Swiss delegation – and let anyone slip in a commercial / station ID if they need to.

We’re at the point where once you see the 1 through 10 points, you can pretty much figure out who’s getting the 12.

Quit goofing around, Iceland. You can’t pull it off.

Well, Switzerland just won the Jury Vote…..and NIL POINTS for the UK! Womp, womp.

A five-nation race….

NIL POINTS from the public for the UK – OUCH!!! Lots of other Nil Points here. At least Germany, Spain, and the Netherlands got some love from the juries.

Nice jump by Lithuania. Not enough to win, though.

HOLY CRAP! FINLAND! Still not likely enough to win.

That might be enough for Ukraine!

And the right side / lower half is closed. Thanks for participating, everyone.

Italy? WTF??

Sorry about that, Malta.

Seriously, ITALY?!?!!? Well, no accounting for taste…..

And after all, this isn’t a real song competition. It’s Eurovision.