When you live in one place long enough, you find that things around the house start breaking down as much as your car (or even yourself, once you get to a certain age). So a responsible adult has to learn to fix things without having to call in a professional.

This time, it’s the toilet fill valve.

According to the Internet, it’s a fairly simple process. Seven or eight steps, and maybe a half hour in total.

BUT – that’s under ideal circumstances: a clean toilet and bathroom, exactly the right tools, a proper replacement valve on hand, easy access to the things that need to be disconnected, and someone who’s done it before leading you through it.

For random people like me, the procedure is a lot longer and more complicated.

1. Give the toilet a REALLY good cleaning. Look for the make and model which should be somewhere on it, because you’ll want to know that when you go looking for a replacement valve.

2. Drive to the nearest “big box” hardware store (you’re not sure if your local independent place will have the valve you need). Realize you forgot to write down the make and model of your toilet – hope you’re remembering correctly.

3. Wander around the place for half an hour looking for the plumbing parts section, and then stare at the displays trying to decide which one to get. Hope you make the right choice. Go home.

4. Find the fershlugginer adjustable wrench / pliers that you are pretty sure you have.

5. Put on crappy clothes because it’s going to be messy

6. Put on rubber gloves and a face mask, because it’s still going to be icky.

7. Clean the space behind and beneath the toilet as best you can.

8. Find a pot / tub / large bowl that will fit under the spot where water goes in to the tank.

9. Turn off the valve that controls the water going in to the tank.

10. Flush the toilet.

11. Take the lid off the tank and put it somewhere well out of the way. Try not to drop it.

12. Use whatever means you can to get as much of the remaining water out of the tank.

13. Go back to the hardware store because your wrench / pliers aren’t able to get a good enough grip on the locking nut / whatever. Hope they have something that works.

14. Grunt and curse as you manhandle the wrench / pliers into position to detach the intake hose thing from the tank, which also releases the old fill valve. Hope you can catch all the water that spills out.

15. Take out the old fill valve. Dry it off as best you can. Try not to lose any little parts, in case you actually need them.

16. Open the box of the new one and throw out all the packaging and stuff – but not anything that looks like instructions. Don’t lose any of the tiny washers or screws that come with it.

17. Read whatever instructions are provided, and wonder why they are different from what you read online about how to do this.

18. Put the thing in place, along with any washers etc., and hope it fits.

19. Reattach the intake hose, and get it as tight as you can.

20. Make sure everything in the tank is where it’s supposed to be, and can move as it should.

21. Turn on the water to fill the tank. Pray that you did everything right.

22. Cross your fingers and flush the toilet.

23. Repeat steps 6-21 if necessary. Hope you don’t have to repeat steps 2 and 3.

24. When it’s finally working properly, figure out how to adjust the fill level so you get a good flush without using more water than necessary.

25. Give up on trying to adjust it.

26. Put the lid back on the tank and clean up the mess.

27. Reward yourself with a tasty beverage.

28. Make sure it’s really working properly, so you can throw out the old valve – but NOT any leftover parts (where the heck were they supposed to go anyway?). Put those where you’ll find them in two years, and wonder why the heck you kept them.

All of this, of course, assumes that you don’t manage to screw things up to the point where you have to actually call a professional plumber to do the installation, because they are going to discover a serious problem that calls for a full toilet replacement….